Believe In Love Again

I have never liked getting hurt
My heart is as tender
As a single thread on a spider’s web
It breaks easily

I have lived long enough
and seen enough
For it to seem
That all love does is hurt

I watched as people fell in love
Deeply and passionately
And offered comfort when they were hurt
Broken and rejected
As each year rolled by
Love robbed me of my illusions
And that’s why I chose
To turn my back on love

So I closed up my heart
And built up my defenses
And Whenever love beckoned
I told myself
That it was really something else
I reconciled myself
To a life without love
And made my plans
To go it alone
To close my eyes
To loneliness
But you make me want
To believe in love again

You came into my life
Unexpected, uninvited
You stole into my heart
Like a shadow, a ghost
You came around
And you showed me
With your words and your actions
That everything about you
Was not what I had come to expect
You showed me
What love was really about
And you’ve made me
Come to believe
In love again

Untitled

I almost forgot I wrote this one... my almost forgotten poem

I have lost track of time
It speeds along
Past me
Day after day
Like a train
That I have missed
Taking away my hopes, my dreams
And the people I love
While I linger
Helpless
Like a stone
Dropping
To the depths of the sea
With no hope
That I’ll see you
My sky, ever again

When did I start to look and not see
To hear and not listen
When did you become a blur
At the fringes of my life
You who used to be the point
Like the sun
Around which
My whole existence
Revolved
When did my priorities start to change
When did day and night
Become work and sleep
And time became deadlines
And deliverables
When money became a god
And you were reduced
To a landmark
A sign post
Here only to show me
Where to lay my head to sleep
A cook only
To prepare the meals
I was too tired to eat
A nurse only
To take care of the children
I hardly ever saw

When did I turn my back to life
Only to embrace a trap
A trap I walked into
Willingly
Five to nine
Everyday

At first I strove
To fulfil your dreams
Don’t you remember
How proud I was
To give you the keys
Of a brand new car
That trip to France
I knew you wanted
At first my reward
Was in the sight of your dimples
Like elves
Dancing in your cheeks
When you smiled with pleasure
As I came home with another gift
For you, my queen

When did things change
When did the number of zeroes
I could put on a cheque
Start to mean more
Than your lovely smile
When did the next deal
The next huge hit
Become more precious
Than the sight of you
Cradling our child
When did I become the man
To whom your pleas
Meant nothing more
Than foolish complaints
Your tears nothing more
Than the fretting
Of one who just
Could not understand
I used to long for the moments
When I would play with the children
After I’d rushed home from work
The moments spent showing you
How much every inch of you
Still meant to me
But that was before
Before I fell
Before I was sucked
Into this vortex
Where the love of money
Inevitably pulls
All those who chase it

I have been afraid
Before
Afraid of the dark
Of not passing exams
Afraid of not being good enough for you
Afraid that you would not marry me
I have been afraid of being poor
Of losing my job
Of ceasing to matter
Afraid of coming home
And finding you gone
Now all I am afraid of is this
That you will never come back to me

Everything that stole me
Away from you
Is now gone
The job is gone
With much of my pride
And my ego
All I have now
Is a heart
Mine
It lies here
Bruised
Where you left it
Rejected
I am not asking why
Because I know why
I am only saying
That now
I am prepared
To work overtime
This time
I will make it up
For slacking off
All these years

I don’t care where you’ve been
Or what you’ve done
My crimes have already
Put yours to shame
If you can forgive me everything
I will forgive you anything

Love Destroys me

Love destroys me whenever it finds me

Love pulls me up and throws me down

Love leaves me shattered and confused

Love beats me down and runs me over

And I never know what’s happening

Love finds me and then I’m lost

In a sea of confusion, a web of anguish

Love hurts me and comforts me

Slices me open and leaves me raw

Love wounds me yet I can never get enough.

Love turns my blood to fire and ice

Makes me hot and cold at once

Love makes me anxious and then delights me

Love takes my breath away and makes my heart swell

Sometimes with joy but mostly with pain

Love comes to me when I least expect

I never see it coming

I never know it’s here

Love leaves me empty and only then

Do I realise what has gone by

Love comes to me in many ways

Love disguises, I never recognise it

Love eludes me because I never know

Who came calling when love goes by